“I’m the parent” is not enough.

Disclaimer: This is the perspective of a daughter with an absent father. I don’t have any children. Also, for the sake of clarity, my Dad and my biological father are two different men… that cause equal stress.

We’re about to talk about everything that’s wrong with this video.

I wish this video came with a trigger warning. When I saw it on my Twitter timeline this morning, my eyes rolled back to the ‘90’s. There is so much to unpack, I may have to move in.

The first problem with this video is the fact that it exists at all. What was the purpose of recording (what I’m sure the child thought was) a private conversation and THEN putting it on Beyonce’s internet?

Sympathy, I’m sure. This man knows that his daughter is completely justified in not wanting to talk to him. He also knows that he’s not going to change his behavior. He knew he could come to the internet and get sympathy in spite of his inadequacy because Black parents have a LOT to learn when it comes to their children’s autonomy and boundaries.

Example:
Daughter: “I’m telling you something and you’re not listening.”
Father: “Because I’m the parent…”

These two lines are why the caption “Father records daughter wildly being disrespectful to him on the phone.” is inaccurate. This child wasn’t being disrespectful, and she certainly wasn’t wild. I was wildly disrespectful at her age. My tone was never even and I was not that focused. Teenage me would have said, “Dad, get the fxck off my phone.”

She was direct and assertive which is exactly what we need to be teaching girls to be. I admire her. I needed this confidence at her age, still do. I’m in my 30’s and still struggling to set boundaries like this with my loved ones. When my Dad calls me and I don’t want to talk, I send him to voicemail and prepare an excuse. I cannot imagine what would happen if I said, “I don’t want to talk to you.” I likely will not find out.

We do our children a disservice when we don’t respect their boundaries. Girls need to be taught that it is OK to tell someone, anyone, even adults and especially boys/men “No.” and that they don’t even have to elaborate or be nice about it.

Likewise, boys need to be taught that a girl’s “No.” does in fact mean, “No.” (and she has a right to not want to talk to, date or have sex with you). When we don’t teach boys this value, they become fathers that take all autonomy away from their daughters (film it and then post that stupid shit on the internet). Daughters become women incapable of setting boundaries and thus unable to have healthy relationships.

We’ve got to break this vicious cycle.

The second thing I noticed about this exchange is that this man is talking to his child like they are peers. It sounds like he’s trying to get back in the good graces of a woman he’s been romantically involved with. This is manipulative, because it is unlikely that this child can truly articulate why she doesn’t want to talk to him. Her being unable to give a reason is only fuel for him to force a conversation.

Her “I don’t want to talk to you.” should be enough and his “Because I’m the parent” is not enough.

Being someone’s parent is no excuse to cross their boundaries. There are too many parents using their children as the one thing in life they have control over, instead of little people that need to be taught how to be productive members of society.

There are also too many parents not holding up their end of the bargain. Parent is a verb. My biological father was absent. I didn’t lay eyes on the man until I was 8 years old. The last time I did was my high school graduation. I don’t have nearly the same feelings for him as I do my mother, not even close; never will. My mother is the (only) one who raised my brother and I. It takes lots of audacity to not raise your children and then want them to feel any obligation to you.

“I’m the parent.” is not enough.

5 or so years ago, I decided to cut him off. I was done trying to be daughter to a parent who didn’t have the skills or desire to do so. I knew that if I kept trying with him I would keep being disappointed. He had already blocked me on social media. I changed my phone number. I cut off 22 inches of locs that I had been growing for 8 years as a personal symbol of my new start.

If he called me today, the conversation would likely be similar to the one in the video above. I don’t have anything to say him. I resent him for not being the parent I needed and there is nothing he can do about it. It’s too late to raise me, I’m in my 30s. Deciding to cut him off was not even that big of an adjustment, he was absent in the first place. I don’t lose any sleep about my decision.

Lastly, the “Honor your father and mother” line has been used on me by well meaning loved ones before (*insert eyeroll*). It is obvious that those who use that line don’t know where it is or what the next line is. The first part of Ephesians 6:2 says Honor your father and your mother. Verse 4 says “Fathers do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them.” (NLT)

Honorable parents don’t have to command honor. This father is provoking his daughter by disregarding her boundaries and feelings. It’s the audacity for me.

In conclusion, I hope this child has the support system that she needs. It’s obvious someone is teaching her to stick to her guns. “You get that from your momma.”

If I had the privilege of speaking with her. I’d tell her, “I don’t want to talk to my father either and that’s OK.”